FROM ENTERTAINMENT TO NOURISHMENT
(This is an excerpt from Holistic Sex online course.
You can view the online course here):
EXCITEMENT - YOUR BIGGEST BLOCK
Right now most people won’t be able to appreciate sex as powerful energy that can fill them with love, happiness, powerful nourishment in life, soulful beauty.
They know only 5% of sex – and only the most shallow version of it.
Because they have a mental lock on:
They see sex as entertainment. They may not even realize it.
If that’s you… it’s not your fault. You’ve been conditioned by the shallow consumerist sex culture to treat sex as your entertainment product.
You want sex to be intense, exciting, fun, new.
You want sex to entertain your mind with hot stuff, new stuff, exciting stuff.
Your body is for your entertainment – it should impress you with intense sensations and orgasms.
You may think that making sex fun and exciting makes a colourful and rich sex life. In fact it makes a very impoverished one.
Lots of things in life are amazing but not ‘exciting’ or ‘entertaining’. Being exciting or entertaining is just one possible quality of something and in real life we rarely consider it the most important one. We are totally fine if something has other qualities that make us feel happy.
Spending quality time with family is usually not ‘exciting’. A satisfying walk in gorgeous nature with an amazing sunset is not ‘exciting’. Soulfully catching up with an old friend is not ‘exciting’. A romantic evening with your partner is not ‘exciting’. Revitalizing meditation or satisfying yoga / fitness are not ‘exciting’. A masterpiece of a novel or gorgeous music will often not be ‘exciting’ as such.
Happiness, beauty, enrichment don’t feel ‘exciting’.
But in sex you ignore and reject most of the good energy as worthless and useless, simply because it doesn’t have the quality of exciting.
If you only want to watch funny videos I can’t show you something useful, or beautiful, or moving, or empowering or intelligent. You simply won’t be interested. You can’t experience the true grace and richness of sexual energy if you need to be excited and kept from boredom like children.
This focus on excitement ruins a sex life.
The shift from excitement to nourishment is the most important mental shift you need to make. Without it you have no chance of great sex.
It’s fine to enjoy excitement and entertainment in sex as part of your range, there is no problem with that.
The problem is when this becomes the only way you can feel sex. Then sex doesn’t feed your real needs at all. Excitement and entertainment are not the most important needs of your relationship.
You get a very narrow range of experiences in sex. There is lots of amazing sex you never discover. It’s like missing out on all the world’s music, nature, intelligence, art, human connection because they are not a funny video.
The best sex is not exciting. That sex that you reject – it’s actually the richest, most nourishing, most beautiful sex you can have. You only get fun, thrills, a bit of entertainment you could easily do without – the least enriching kind of sex.
You are malnourished in your real needs. You as a person and you as a couple.
What is the value of being excited?
And what is the value of feeling loved, nourished, happy, fulfilled, powered up?
This is the nutrition that doesn’t reach you, your lover, or your relationship.
It’s nutrition that your relationship really needs to flourish and be happy.
You spend your time in sex on things that are meaningless. What value do you get from anal sex, spanking, dirty talk, threesomes, random places, etc.? They may be new and exciting (to some people), but the value is zero.
Your relationship doesn’t feel like a real human interaction when you are in the mode of serving entertainment to each other. You partner feels like a prop, a piece of your fun, an entertaining movie to excite you. This doesn’t fit your real relationship. It feels like a discord: vacuous, impersonal and disconnecting.
It’s ok in small amounts but if that’s your only sexual relationship it makes you feel like you’re just using each other for thrills and there is no real connection or relationship.
Quite often there is a hint of abuse. When one partner needs love, nurturing, connection and the other can’t be interested in sex without excitement this feels abusive.
In search of excitement partners often get neurotic and become pushy in sex.
Search for excitement has also led to normalizing dehumanizing forms of sex where you don’t care what turns you on as long as it does. This is the reason degrading and violent sex have become widespread.
A sex life based on excitement is entirely unsustainable and eventually usually falls apart. It takes too much work to be constantly entertained and excited. And it brings too little value, if not outright drain and emotional low and disconnect. Eventually it’s easier to stop bothering.
Go on Youtube and set yourself a task to see only exciting, entertaining and fun stuff. What will you get out of it? Make a list. This is your relationship.
BE NOURISHED IN YOUR SEX LIFE
The real role of sex in your life is not as your entertainment or excitement.
See sex as nourishment in your life.
Sex is powerful, wonderful, nourishing energy that feeds you and/or your relationship. Sex nourishes your body, heart and soul.
It doesn’t matter if sex is exciting or not. It might be, or not. You have sex because it feeds you with love, positive energies, beautiful energies, soulful energies, vitality, happiness, wellbeing, connection.
You’ve chased excitement to keep interested in sex, that’s understandable.
But make it nourishing and you’ll be interested in sex even more, with no need for excitement.
NOURISHMENT IS DIVERSE
Nourishment doesn’t mean you are doing something relaxing and gentle. It may well be intense and explosive too. It is a very broad spectrum of experiences – much broader than entertainment.
It’s just an important shift of attitude – from ‘am I entertained?’ to feeling real value, enrichment, being aware of whether this brings happiness.
Think of all the things in your life that are nourishing. There is such a broad range of experiences, they all nourish you in different ways. There is nothing in common between them, they are so diverse. Many of them are gentle, easy, relaxed, not intense, not difficult, not sophisticated – maybe quite simple but happy. Some of them are indeed exciting and mainly fun.
Think of all the things in your life that are entertaining. They are fun, they’re ok, but it’s a much more narrow range, a much more limited experience of life.
You can have loving sex, caring sex, fun sex, peaceful and tranquil sex, adventurous sex, exciting sex, revitalizing sex, healing sex, explosive sex, soothing sex, etc ,etc. They will all be nourishing in their own way. They are all beautiful, enriching, important to you.
You can have very active sex, or slow and sensual, or a completely still cuddle – and they will all nourish you.
You can have sex with penetration or without, involving genitals or not, or even just holding each other – and it will all be nourishing.
But only a small section of that range will be ‘exciting’ / ‘entertaining’.
‘Exciting’ should be a completely neutral adjective – just one possible quality of sex. ‘Not exciting’ shouldn’t mean bland and terrible sex. Many amazing forms of sex are not supposed to feel exciting, like many amazing things in life.
Exciting is a form of nourishment too and you can enjoy it too. You are simply open to all the other forms of nourishment as well – and they will normally feed your more important and satisfying needs in life.
Now just be free of your mental pressure. Seeing sex as nourishment you can value all colours and energies in sex. You can relax and appreciate sex whatever form it takes. Sex always brings you some good energy one way or another, whether it was exciting today or not. You are always nourished in some way – so sex is always good.
This is an excerpt from Holistic Sex online course.
You can view the online course here:
To work with me in person view sessions: