WHAT IS LOVE IN SEX
(This is an excerpt from Holistic Sex online course.
You can view the online course here):
Physical love is the most important, enriching and the most powerful energy in sex.
We may often expect sex in a loving relationship, or between infatuated lovers, to automatically be a physical expression of love – because we call sex ‘intimacy’.
However, that’s the case EXTREMELY rarely in today’s sex culture. Sex is only loving if you choose to bring love into sex and most people have lost touch with it – they focus instead on mechanics, stimulation, fun, performance and orgasms. In the end none of this may make you feel loved – because it was never the intention in the first place.
On the other hand, you may have a desire and an intention for loving sex but you might not know how exactly it’s done. In practice you may only know how to give pleasure, stimulate, excite or give an orgasm even while you try to give love.
Love in sex is a specific attitude and practice.
We need to learn it as a sexual technique and practice it in sex consciously.
We will not attempt to define what love is in a relationship – between two personalities. The relationship between minds, egos, histories, common goals, interests and commitments is way too complex.
In sex, things are simpler:
You can treat your partner’s body as an object that serves your satisfaction.
You can treat it as machine that you need to work to ‘please them’ with a physiological result.
Or you can treat it as a living space that feels and needs your energy, your care and your warmth.
In sex the body hears only the feeling in physical contact.
And you can’t lie to the body. The body can’t understand words about love, and the body can’t interpret your actions as motivated by love (e.g. if someone is working hard to give an orgasm the body doesn’t read it as love – the body reads it as work).
It’s similar to when an animal doesn’t understand your words or the significance of your actions, and will only lean towards you if the touch and general demeanor gives the right energy.
Love in sex is the emotional energy that you send into the body of your partner, through physical contact, in this present moment. It is a real physical experience in your body throughout sex. It is a powerful, tangible, physical, real substance.
It is not some specific physical technique. It is a quality and energy in all techniques, which your lover can perceive physically.
Loving Sex Is Not Just For ‘Serious Feelings’
People usually make an ignorant distinction. They think ‘loving sex’ is what happens in a ’serious relationship’ where people would say they love each other, and it is impossible to have such sex if the relationship hasn’t gone that far.
In reality, it’s very possible for any two strangers to have a very profound loving sex. And most people in ‘serious relationships’ where they love each other have mechanical sex, chase excitement, or just fuck.
Loving in sex is something completely separate from your love in the relationship. This loving energy in sex doesn’t come from your compatibility of personalities, common interests, history together, future together, commitment to common trajectory, agreements, compromises, or being there for each other.
None of that translates into the energy in your physical contact.
The loving energy in sex comes only from your ability to make your partner’s body feel loved in this moment. It is pure energy that comes from your intention to be loving and doesn’t depend on anything outside of sex.
It’s just treating each other with respect, tenderness, nurturing, compassion, adoration. But the language is physical, not verbal.
It’s surreal to limit such normal human behavior only to ‘serious relationships’.
This should be the baseline for all sex and there is nothing difficult or dangerous in treating anyone this way.
If you are in bed with someone – even casual – and you can’t treat their body with appreciation, adoration, kindness, tenderness and nurturing because of who they are to you – how bad do they have to be, and why are you in bed with this person? Plus – what are you hoping to get out of this sort of sex yourself with such parameters?
Love Is Key To Sex
Without the energy of love sex is either an empty mechanical shell of stimulation, or a neurotic addiction to highs and entertainment.
These are the only two options you can choose from for sex without the energy of love – but you are very free to pick one at will.
Physical love is the most important and powerful energy in sex.
It has the most powerful and deepest impact on how you feel after sex. When you are profoundly loved in sex you will afterwards feel alive, vibrant, deeply content, deeply happy. Love in sex has a huge effect on your wellbeing and your sense of self.
If you have loving sex it is a real substance that feeds your love.
You feel closer, in harmony, connected, with lots of affection and lovely feelings towards each other. Love in sex literally makes love in your relationship.
The impact from love in sex is a lot greater than from all the intensity, passions and orgasms.
It is the thing you should focus on the most in sex because it can give you the most. If sex is loving you will be so nourished that whatever else happened or didn’t happen in it won’t matter to you at all.
As an experience of human connection to your partner you will also get more out of it than having fun, adventure together or even desire and passion that people define their sexual connection by. This is the most meaningful, soulful and enriching sex you can have with another person and it will enrich your life together accordingly.
The energy of love is also a method and technique for better sex.
When you treat each other with love you will get the best sexual response from the body.
The body feels more alive and sensitive than just from mechanical stimulation. The body can feel more, gets aroused easier and deeper, and becomes more orgasmic in some ways, when it reads loving treatment.
Particularly the female body will have a very limited response without the energy of love. Most of the woman’s potential in arousal and orgasmicity is impossible without the loving technique – her body is wired that way.
Love in sex also enriches every sensation and every touch. Without it most sensations are only partial and lack colours and dimensions.
Sexual energy infused wit love also has a more powerful nourishing quality.
Love in sex is the driver for your creativity and connection. Without it sex feels more mechanical.
The energy of love in sex doesn’t just benefit the receiver. The one giving love also flourishes. If you are loving your partner’s body in sex you overcome your tensions, your mental noise and your insecurities. The energy of love flowing through your body awakens your body too.
Just by giving love you make your own body more alive. You don’t need to wait for your partner to give you love. You can simply give love yourself and experiences the opening and aliveness in your body from that.
So, because the act of giving love benefits the giver and not only the receiver, you don’t give love to someone in sex just because they deserve it – you also give love because it makes you feel at your most alive. It is for you, not just for them. It opens your body and your whole being to experience the richest sexual energy.
This is particularly relevant for women, who often struggle to be engaged by the man’s contact, unaware that they can bring their own body to life by expressing more of their natural love.
Sex without the energy of love will never offer you the full beauty of sexual energy. You will be limited to mechanics and superficial stimulation. Giving and receiving love is absolutely the most important skill in sex.
This is why it is absurd to want to limit yourself just because you are not in a ‘serious relationship’.
Why would you want to rob yourself of the best experience or to limit who you really are? It’s ok give your energy of love to anyone you decide to have sex with. It doesn’t take anything from you – it only makes sex better for you.
This is an excerpt from Holistic Sex online course.
You can view the online course here:
To work with me in person view sessions: